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Isn't life beautifully fucked up?

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25th September 2005

2:57pm: WoW...it has been SO long.
I forgot I even had this intil I got an email saying I had a comment from some random person. I read through my other posts and I cant beleive how far I have come. I cant hardly even remember feeling that horrible. Well that is a lie but its far behind me now.
All thanks to Mat. He asked me out in July and we are still together. He is the greatest I really love him.
Anyway update. WOW...Im living at home again with my parents, but getting back on my own two feet since falling down the tubes. I was diagnosed as bipolar and they perscribed meds for me, but I really dont like the idea, so I dont take them. The therapy works wonders for me though. It really is a release valve for everything I had been or still am feeling. I recommend it to anyone. Anyway, I have a job now, just stocking and checking at a dollar general but its money and it is getting me closer to moving so its all good. I have a new baby brother, well he was my nephew but my sister couldnt take care of him, so my parents just adopted him this past thurdsay.
I am movin to California in January, and I am so excited to be with my boy FINALLY.
Well, love yall!
Nichole
ps this is my BABY!
Current Mood: I love you Matty

30th January 2005

12:06am: Hella bad night last night
Man last night was a horrible night. My friend Cody was supposed to stay the night with me, but he got sick and had to go, so I stayed up the entire night watching the ring, and then at like 5 am I slit my wrists. I was like holy shit when they started to bleed so much, so I wrapped them with gauze and put bandaids on them. The bleeding stopped, and nobody knows. The scars are gonna be nasty. I don't care, my arms already look like road maps. I wish I could get ahold of Mathue, and talk to him. I just want to run off and stay with him in California today. Fuck everybody here, fuck Ken, Fuck Stev, fuck everybody. No one cares about me, but Mathue genuinely does, as a friend and I so totally need that right now. Sucks ass. Maybe I will just run off. Sell my car, and use the money to greyhound to California. Thats thinking, maybe I will. I just hope that I can stay strong til then, because I know Mats gonna be mad when he finds out. I dont know what Im gonna say to him. Either way I guess. Nichole
Current Mood: sore

28th January 2005

8:53pm: hola
Hi Hi everyone. I am feeling kinda bad today. Just not a good week in general. Hope everyones ok. Nichole
Current Mood: cold

21st January 2005

6:45pm: sup? Not much
Hey yall, its been awhile since I was on here. Our internet service has been on the blink. Plus something went wrong with my laptop at the same time. Coincidence I think not! Anywho, life is ok, therapy is ok, meds still suck ass. I have been thinking alot about suicide lately, not about doing it, just about it. I dont really know why, its just been on my brain. SO has the bad thing. Im thinking of telling my therapist about it, but its hard because only one other person in the world knows about it. I dont know yet, Im still deciding. Anyway, I better get gone, talk to you later! ~Nichole
Current Mood: no feelings really

12th January 2005

10:50pm: Blarg
Today was not a very interesting day. I cleaned, I got my hair cut, went grocery shopping, went for a walk. Just a typical day. Thought about suicide several times. Wish I had the guts. Not sure how I would do it though. Either poison, or slit my wrists, those seem like my best options. I already tried ODing 3 times and well it didnt work out so well. Anyway I am depressed so I wont bore u with the details of my suicidal fantasies. Sweet Nightmares ~Nichole
Current Mood: FuCk ThE wOrLd

7th January 2005

10:47pm: SiCk
I am sick today. Probably has something to do with the 2 mile walk I had in the snow to the cemetery without a coat. I was visiting my great grandmas grave. I was there for about 40 minutes then walked 2 miles back to my car. Too damn cold, and snow up to my knees in some places. I would do it again though, I visit my great grandma every week. I never met her, but I feel connected to her anyway. I can't explain it. but now I have a cold, and a throat infection and just I feel shitty. Im gonna do the vicks and rum thing and pass out I think. Goodnight yall ~Nichole
Current Mood: ..!..

4th January 2005

12:07am: Sleepless again
Hey everyone one. I can't sleep again. I did sleep the other day, well rather I passed out from utter intoxication and yeah......Happy New Year. Anyway, Icy as hell here, I love the cold weather. Appt on Thursday, with Deb. I just wish it didnt take 2 and half hours to get to my therapists office. Plus next time I have to take myself, and driving makes me so nervous. and going anywhwere alone just makes me panic. Ill try though, and well see how it goes, even though I know how it will. Anyway, Dalton is awake so I better go. Hope everyone can stick to their resolutions.~NIchole
Current Mood: NeRdY

2nd January 2005

11:57pm: Tense
I feel very tense these days. My ma doesnt understand exactly how severe my situation is I think. She is still trying to fix me up. Trying to find me a job. I am not lazy, I like to work, the only reason I quit my last job was because I was moving here. But I cant even function in everyday life. I get tense when I have to go to the grocery store, applying for a job is not as easy for some people. Normal people think oh their just lazy, thats an excuse not to work, but its not, Ive been working constantly for over 6 years and I am only 20 years old. I often worked two jobs in highschool. Thats not it. I am so scared to go out of my house, to go into a place where I don't know people, or exactly what I am doing. I get so nervous I have panic attacks, I can't breathe, I cant' see, sometimes I pass out, sometimes go a little crazy and start screaming. Thats what the alcohol is for. No I don't drink alot. No more than 3 drinks a day spread out and not starting til 2 or 3 in the afternoon. I dont do drugs anymore, and I take my meds, I am trying but they dont know whats wrong with me, I don't know whats wrong with me. You cant treat what you dont know, or what Im not willing to talk about. And certain things I am not willing to talk about. ANyway. I better get to working on my novel. Tension does create inspiration, that much can be said for it. ~Sweet Nightmares-Nichole
Current Mood: TENSION

31st December 2004

10:32am: Been so long
Its been so long since I have written in here. I have been moving, and Christmas, and Dalton. I had my first therapy session with my new doctor. She is nice, I didnt tell her everything I just cant tell strangers things. NOt until I know her. I mean I cant even tell my mother, who birthed me. I dont know its confusing. Im supposed to keep a paper journal about my life so she can kind of see into it I guess. I have to write about cutting, and suicidal thoughts, any homocidal thoughts, how much sleep I get (or dont) and strange things that affect me in my day. I cant even keep an online journal let alone a paper one, but I am trying. Taking the meds too, but only because my ma gets one out and watches me take it. Otherwise down the sink it would go. I havent had a cigarette in 2 months now. I WANT ONE. It wasnt my idea to quit. I hate doing shit for other people but damn if I can help it. Anyway trying to sound happy and brave on here but it just isnt fucking working. Talk to you later. Do you really read my posts Anonymous? If so thanks. ~Nichole
Current Mood: fizzle my nizzle dogs.

16th December 2004

11:10pm: today
new meds, new therapist, new obsession, new scars, new things to hide away. Lots of new things. Merry Fucking Christmas. ~Nichole
Current Mood: fuck fuck fuck fuck

10th December 2004

7:13pm: Trying to calm my nerves
Hey Im heading home now. Fucking nervous as hell. My ma knows and shes gonna want to see. I am officially dropping out as of next Friday. DOnt know where ill go after that. Im so confused. They just gonna put me away. Maybe thats where I belong. ~Nichole
Current Mood: life is fucked up....

9th December 2004

2:41pm: Breathe in for luck
Howdy everyone. I just got off work, and Im sad. Next Thursday is my last day. Im gonna miss working with Seddi. She was awesome. Im going to miss my maria too. no one else really just those two. Jamey and Cort (my bro and his fiancee) are kinda disappointed I think that I didnt thrive here. Well fuck em. Im tired of doing fo doing shit to make them happy. I think ill see if i cant get a job and get my own place maybe i could try. I doubt my ma would go for that. I have a dr appt on Thursday, to see what they are going to do about the SI. My ma is thinking going to a clinic for awhile would be the best but i dont know what the dr is gonna say about it. SHe is a good dr thought the only one ill go to so i know she can help me. Ive started writing again. i just couldnt be inspired after Stev told me to fuck off, but i was last night. here are a few:
Life
by nichole kinyon

the clock strikes signalling angels
to change the strings of stars
im altered my pattern changed
join the fight for nothing and no one
when the fabric rips from beneath me
i grasp the edge of each sheet and try to retain
to retain the life i thought I lead
but it pours through my fingers like sand
and lets me fall.


Flame
by nichole kinyon
The candle falls,
its wax finding its way to skin,
scalded it sings,
but does not stop,
flames sear the skin black,
tears flow and teeth puncture lips,
the bitter taste of blood,
under an injured tongue,
boiling wax fuels the burn,
blood flows from breaks in the flesh,
like tricks down valleys of a body,
you've touched this skin,
been stained by its blood,
you've ran fingers over its scars,
this skin is thin transparent to see veins,
black bruises bloom across plains,
black eyes and trembling lips,
you've loved this skin,
but your not in it,
and when it dies,
you won't understand,
but your hard skin is safe,
from the same fate.

Nevermind
by nichole kinyon
I think these are the days that shape me,
days of pain, days of sorrow,
days of heartbreak, days I can't see,
every today with no tommorrow,
your faces see me on empty streets,
but you can't seem to find the passion,
as I walk in another direction,
I will for you to follow,
but you are trapped, in your many devices,
your body solid, but your heart hollow,
and you've cut mine into meaty peices,
the dull blade with my blood in your pocket,
the faded picture in your mind,
My eye leaps from its socket,
so I can pray to be blind,
blind to the pain of this deception,
and now you have my mind, body, soul,
and we are both trapped here,
might as well be the last day,
we cry for the sky to open and set us free.

In the Driveway
by nichole kinyon
The hot air escapes my throat,
and the sky mingles with the stars,
swirling I am motionless,
I lock my eyes on one spot,
yet still the earth moves,
my legs give way,
and I sit on cement borders,
he sits there next to me,
as hazy as myself to my eyes,
we lay back together to sink into blackness,
but I am unable, and so is he,
too much world to be alone,
too much world to be together,
so we are content to know one another,
and to be known,
and to know that we can forget.
Current Mood: cold to the core

8th December 2004

2:08pm: This is annoying
God those last entries make me sound so pathetic. Why cry? Why cry over a man that rejected me, abandoned me, and broke my heart? Well when I put it that way. I don't know, I just find it hard to keep crying. I don't want to cut over him. He hated that about me, even though he did it himself. I will stick to our "you jump, I jump" pact. I hope that he will too. When I get right down to it, on paper our relationship was really unhealthy from the get-go. We both had past relationships stuck in our hearts. His was good though and mine was not. *note to self* get over it!.....Wish it was all so easy. I just noticed that aquafina tastes like swimming pool water. Thats disturbing. Hmmmmm I have had an earthshattering epiphany. I am going to be a virgin forever. Hopefully I will anyway. Who needs all that drama?? I have enough to keep me medicated for quite some time, so Im fine thanks. I love that everytime I call Ken he stills asks me....Have you slept with anyone yet? He said he just wants to make sure Im saving myself for him. The perfect man, that I cant have goddamnit. Yeah thats frustrating. Stev was pretty perfect too, until he decided that only he can make me better, only he can understand me, and even when he didnt he swore that he did. I would be having a problem and he would say "tell me" and would tell him that he wouldnt understand and he said when has he ever not understood me. ALOT. I guess you misunderstood that I LOVE YOU YOU CRAZY FUCK. Yeah sorry to anyone who reads this. I really am a very intellegent person, but my decisions made about the opposite of sex rarely are. I just want that kind of relationship that lasts forever. DAMN YOU KEN. God too many men in my life at the moment. A new one now. My grandmother is trying to introduce me to a man named Cody. Hes 30, a chemist, owns his own home. He's very nice Im sure, but Im a 20 year old college student (soon dropout) about to take a hospital respite with violent habits. Dont we sound perfect for eachtother??? My friend Mindy tells me he is very attractive and he drives a nice new Truck. a)even though i have a type looks dont interest me, neither does a wallet, Im attracted to personalities (usually disturbed ones) and b)I don't care what he drives. Im sick of this kansan small town farm girl mindset. Marry a nice christian man with a good job, a nice house and do it before your 23 or 24 that way your still young when you pop out his kids and clean his house. Yeah a)religion should not be a standard b) he has to have a job, but i dont care what it is c)a place to live always handy, but it doesnt really matter to me d)Add 10 years to that. Im living right now. Im not an old maid i cant even drink (legally) yet. e)ill adopt thank you, all of my siblings were adopted and I have the belief that why bring in more when there are plenty already here to love.f) its his house he can clean it his damn self. Not to sound like I don't want to eventually find and fall for mr. right, and perhaps even settle down, but not right now. Not even remotely soon. How could I even think of letting another person depend on me to care for them when I cant care for myself. I mean seriously my arms look like some took a red marker and tallied the number of times they peed in a year. I cant even sleep for nightmares. Sound sexy?? Im sure im just the girl that COdy imagines himself plowing everynight. LOL thats the reason no one will stay with me. NO SEX!! You figure that they could last more than 3 months though. People and their genitals just confuse me. I guess me and vagina have an understanding that she doesnt want any visitors for awhile. I can handle that who needs some sweaty guy on top of you breathing all heavy talking dirty in your ear? Ok that doesnt sound half bad. ill admit it I have sex drive but just not at the moment. DAMN DAMN DAMN MEN ARE CONFUSING!!! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT OUTSIDE OF MY UNDERWEAR??????? I dont understand them atall. Anyhow I am going to go now, i have a needle portrait to finish for this girl. not getting paid but alas i do it for the love of needles......uh....i mean art? Just a sick twisted joke. Im gonna watch a movie. Dont know which one. Probably the Good Girl. I wish Lemony Snicket would hurry the fuck up and come out already. A series of Unfortunate events......sounds uniquely familiar. ANyhow enough of my ranting. Have the sweetest of nightmares~nichole
Current Mood: yeah confused but artistic too

7th December 2004

2:41pm: GOD I HATE LIFE
Great morning as im sure you could tell. Stev hates me now. How can he hate me when I love him so much? Fucking everything is SHIT. Pisses me off that everytime I fall in love I fuck it up and then everyone hates me. My parents tried to come get me again. "We think you should be at home now, Jamey thinks so too" Well fuck Jamey and what he thinks is best for me. Ill get when Im damn well good and ready motherfuckers and Im not changing my mind damnit.FUCK THIS-Nichole
Current Mood: Delerium...yummmm

6th December 2004

9:35pm: afternoon or night whatever
cut the shit out of my leg this morning. funny part was I was sleeping while I did it. Thats what woke me up. I got upset so I cut more. there is blood all in my sheets now. but yeah whatever. The love of my life is pissed at me because I am going to take a hospital retreat over Christmas. I hate it when hes upset with me. IM SORRY STEV. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!
Current Mood: fuckina

5th December 2004

3:45pm: Today in my life
I woke up this morning. Not a good thing as I was hoping to die in my sleep. That would be nice. Anyway I woke up, talked to a friend online, sat down on my bed and cried. Don't worry this is an everyday occurrence. Then I got the razor and I went at it. Afterward I was curious so I counted all the cuts. I have 87 on my left arm and 102 on my right, I didnt even make it to my legs as my brain can only count so high. Yeah I scare me too. Anyway Sweet nightmares-Nichole
Current Mood: Dead
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